Soo by now I am sure everyone in the world has heard about KK and KH and their 72 day marriage etc..
Now this post is about to real transparent..
Some of this information is going to be new for those around me..
I posted on my FB the day of the news this: "with KK and KH divorcing it brings such sadness but its real how many folks get married for the "title" or the "wedding" can I be transparent..(raises hand) And the reality is they (I was) really may have been in love after 6 months we don't know as we were not in their relationship behind close doors...Do you think time had something to do with it?? Here's my thoughts everyone w...ants to be married BUT if your not ready to FIGHT,forgive, submit (ladies this is real) and be humbled your not ready and that's just a few..It's not about the wedding it's about the marriage and the covenant that takes place...So those who walk around screaming about how bad you want to be married pump the breaks and really ask yourself if you are..When it's God ordained time doesn't matter.."
3 years ago I was a KK I wanted to be married,I wanted the wedding,I wanted the husband,I wanted the baby..everything that makes up the American dream..yup that's what I wanted..Needless to say what I wanted and what I got were 2 completely different things..I truly loved my ex..I cared for him, I luved him..Did I have doubts..YES however I figured we could work through those things..We had been dating for 2 years it was time I was getting antsy, I was tired of the "church folk" always asking so when are you guys getting married?? Not to mention we were trying to really stay in the will of GOD..(Can we say HARD)..no pun intended..We started off as friends and somewhere along our relationship friends became me being like his mom.. Now keep in mind he was 4 yrs my junior as well..I recall one night I went out with a friend because I felt like I could not do the relationship anymore..It had been 2 freaking years I was ready..we had got into this huge fight about kids and I was saying I wanted one like yesterday and that if he didn't see us going anywhere we needed to end the relationship..It was as though..no it was me backing him into a corner..I saw everyone around us getting married and I wanted it soo bad, because let's be real ladies marriage is validation...When we have a man we feel validated..However with marriage comes another level of validation..So when he proposed I felt like MS.THANG like look I got a real GOOD MAN who knows how to handle his..And in an instant we went into planning mode "wedding mode" and almost hubs and wife mode..within like one month I had moved out of my apt to move back home and moved my stuff into his place(his first apt) we had combined accounts and he went into step-dad mode..As I think back WTH were we thinking..But it was my thinking and he never complained he just went with the flow..A lot of this had to do with the fact that since I had been living on my own forever and I had a child the assumption was ohh it makes since she's been there before she knows what makes since..WRONG...I walked down the aisle with doubts that I figured we could work through and just like Kim I was caught up in the planning of a wedding I was wrapped up and my main concern was about what would ppl think..so you choose to keep going through the motions...(Because you figure you will work through and the doubts will fade away) Fast forward we got married and again I instantly went into control mode and mom mode..and as I look back I will always say I was 35% his wife 65% his mom..I always made decisions and I never fell back and submitted..So when Nov. 2010 came and we got into the biggest fight and we threw our rings and he walked out after he cussed me out I was hurt but not surprised. (You see we both had a problem communicating (and I was a communications major go figure) if something was wrong on his end it would be "nothing" and if it was wrong on my end I would do that oh imma hold it in so I could have the upper hand and talk about it when it was convenient for me)..I called my BFF because they have watched our relationship and told her what happened she talked me into calling him or emailing one and he ended up coming back we talked but throughout the talk more things came out..We both were not happy and had not been for a while for him since June 09 for me since summer 10..for 1/2 of our marriage (in the 2.5) he was not happy but he stayed but I didn't know he wasn't happy but he stayed until everything hit the fan and we both stopped liking each other. Now I hadn't been happy either but it had only been a few months so you give it time..However after that conversation which led to other conversations where things were said that had been bottled up for a while..I checked out and the struggle became to stay or to go..We had no kids, no assets, hell we didn't really have anything besides the bank accounts & furniture.. I struggled for 3 months deciding to stay I went to counseling,I talked to friends, I talk to my mom, and finally I talked to GOD, I was so worried about everyone Else's opinions until one day I just shut up and listened and then I said the words out of my mouth "I want to end this and get a divorce"...My happiness and Kel's happiness was the most important to me and I was not happy I couldn't stand to be around my ex and vice versa..Had we stayed together it would have been for everyone else and not us..I struggled with the covenant we made with God we were going to break this and all I could think was were going to be cursed forever and ever..But then I prayed and I asked God for forgiveness and I asked him to teach both of us how to forgive each other and how to one day like each other again..Not to mention just not being afraid to love and to be married again..When we decided to get a divorce we were at Panera and we both said we would never get married again..We just didn't see it happening.. Now what most ppl don't know is that I still see my therapist at least once a month and I realized that I do want that happiness and I do want to love again.. But let's back up and ask how long do you stay unhappy..Marriage has got to be one the toughest fights of your life and I truly believe that if you are unhappy you don't have to be..You can change your situation at any time. You can choose to stay and fight or you can choose to walk however I do think you have to give it time.. My ex and I say we tried but I laugh because we fake tried for 6 months..Neither of us really wanted to humble ourselves and make this work..Because in marriage you must humble yourself, you must be a forgiver, you must be open minded, and you must be ready to FIGHT for your marriage...I think about if we had stayed together and lets say we stayed unhappy for the next 3 yrs and then we got a divorce..I think that would have did more damage to both us. My son would have been in an environment in which he would have watched our relationship thinking this is how it is supposed to be..I know your supposed to fight but I didn't want to and after a while he didn't either and we didn't like each other.I wanted to be happy..I felt like 1000 bricks had been lifted off my shoulders when we made the decision to end it. I felt so free...I was slowly getting my joy and my happiness back and I missed that happiness and joy. I will never talk negative about my ex because I know that he is a good man and I know that he is going to make an awesome father and husband to a wonderful woman someday.. All I want is for him to be happy..
So you read my story, so do you stay unhappy in a marriage..people say 2.5 yrs isn't enough some say 7 yrs isn't enough..we can't keep putting time limits on things can we.. I mean the ex and I dated for 2 yrs. so a total of 4.5yrs we spent together we knew each other but things happen..I think each situation is different and it is surely a case by case basis..Now 72 days that is touchy to each its own..I will say 3 months is not long enough to know someone but..ok you got me I can't even justify it..haha.I do have some friends who are going through a tough time been together in the upper teens and have been unhappy for 3 yrs and are now thinking about it..3 yrs of unhappiness..See for me that won't work I don't handle unhappiness or stress well and even though we put on a good show for everybody behind close doors...yeah...no comment. The reality there are a lot of couples like my ex and I..I think it is important that after the vows are said and the dress is put away that you continue to do counseling and figure out ways to make your marriage better on a daily basis.
So many of us women and men want to be married and we want kids and we want that "American dream" but as my status says unless your ready to fight,be transparent,be HUMBLED and SUBMISSIVE and FORGIVING!!! (when u know somebody wrong) don't jump in..People say that not everyday will be a happy day in your marriage or it won't be perfect and this is true but I also believe that when you marry your best friend you may have unhappy days but he or she will be able to pick you up..Even when your unhappiness has to do with them I believe in my heart of hearts that you can choose to make it better..Call me a sap for a love...
Life Experiences are always the best experiences,I never thought I would be in the place that I am with regards to relationships in general but I am and I am learning to patient and just learning..
As always keep it Sexi..
Tash
P.S. I would luv to hear your thoughts you can be anonymous too..
